If You Can’t Muster Empathy, Shut Up!

I’ve recently gotten a very shitty response to a vent of mine.

I decided to vent into the fediverse with this message:

So I’m supposed to go on a lunch date with a guy this week. He hasn’t talked since Saturday.

I’m supposed to go on a date with a girl next weekend. She hasn’t talked since Sunday.

I matched with another girl today, but she hasn’t talked yet.

Wow, all those people, not talking to me. I feel so special!

This was just a vent. I’m mildly annoyed, but not angry. I did not berate them for their silence. I’m just venting in the fediverse. This is it.

I’ve been on the dating apps for more than a year and a half. I’ve run into a lot of deadbeats, scammers, you name it. I won’t talk about the scammers here. However, the deadbeats have been many. Some people matched with me, never to talk. Some people matched with me, and immediately unmatched. Did they make a mistake? In some case, I had a pleasant chat with someone who liked me, but they decided to unmatch without warning. This is not the odd occurrence.

I have no reason to believe that the people I’m talking about are scammers or deadbeats, except for the last person. She looks real enough, so not a scammer, but she still hasn’t talked. Her profile mentions two jobs. I get that time is tight, but a little message saying that she won’t be available for a while would be nice. I’m fairly sure she’s not a scammer, but she might be a deadbeat. Time will tell.

I got one nice response to my vent above, but then I got this piece of shit advice, no doubt written by a neurotypical person:

It’s Christmas/New Years. Maybe just stop expecting so much right now.

Oh, wow! Thank you for pointing out the obvious, asshole! I do know that we are in the holiday period. I do know that people are busy. I know this because the media makes sure to bleat that information any chance it gets, but also because I’m frigging alone in my apartment with my cat while the rest of the world has the company of others. I do know that it is the bloody holiday right now!

Moreover, I don’t think I’m, in fact, expecting much. With the two first people I mention above, we were messaging each other at a significant pace, and then… complete radio silence… This is already alarming, that is, if you do care about the well-being of the people you’re chatting with. However, what’s more alarming is the timeline I had established with them.

The guy and I were planning a date for this week! We’re now about half-way through this week and I haven’t heard anything. His last message was that he had to check with other people about his availability. Oh, and I do have a life of my own. My aunt and uncle want to talk to me through video chat. So I have to find time for them, and for my date. I tried to please everyone, but I don’t think I can. I’ve set up a time with my aunt and uncle that may very well conflict with this guy’s desire.

We autistic people want to please everyone, but sometimes circumstances work against us. However, we don’t get to escape the anxiety this causes.

The situation with the first girl I mention above is similar. We were talking about a date this coming weekend, but there’s now only two days between now and the weekend. She wants me to bed her. Consequently, we have things to discuss before the date happens, like STI status, and the scene I have in mind for her. Again, I’m autistic. I’m not super fond of surprises, especially in the bedroom, and with someone I’m bedding for the first time. There are things I won’t do with a partner on a first encounter.

It is not asking much for people to tell me clearly what is going on that may be preventing them from communicating with me. I’ll note here that I do the same for them. If I’m going to be unavailable, I tell them. I’ve done this before when I had doctors’ appointments, or when I was tutoring.

Again, I was just venting. I was not planning to have to explain that my vent was borne out of actual life-experience with dating, and caring for my prospects. Still, that’s often how it happens with neurotypical people. You say something, and then they imagine some solution that completely misses the mark.

How about you just listen?

If you don’t want to listen, ignore my vent.

If my vent stinks, mute me, or block me.

I don’t need shitty advice that shows no empathy whatsoever.

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As I had feared, the two ladies never came back. I unmatched them. I am kind, but I’m not a doormat. The man never came back either, but we’ve had a much longer “relationship” than with the ladies.